Building Resilient Kids
Anxiety: a word we hear everywhere at the moment. Many people attribute this to Covid 19. Although it’s true that Covid has certainly played its part, I think there was a problem long before Covid reared its head.
In the classroom, there is an evident increasing lack of ability to cope with life’s normal stressors. Whether it is a spelling test or a challenging maths problem, some children can go to pieces at the very thought of facing a pressurised task. In the eight years that I have been teaching, there has been a distinct increase in the number of tears shed over everyday mundane classroom tasks. My job has become as much about emotional learning as it is about curriculum learning.
The thing that children desperately need is resilience. Resilience is the trampoline that helps us bounce back when the hard stuff hits us. Resilience is what allows us to take risks knowing that it’s ok to make a mistake. Resilience is what makes us look at the broken pieces and have the strength to start piecing it all back together. We often hear people say, “Children are resilient”. However, children are not born with superhero strength resilience. Resilience must be learned. It’s not an easy thing to learn, it’s incredibly tough. But this learning is what will make our children into strong resilient adults, ready to face whatever life throws at them.
As parents, we want to do everything in our power to make life an easy road for our kids. We lose sleep worrying about them when things aren’t going well and we will move heaven and earth to help them avoid unnecessary pain or distress. We want to wrap them up in cotton wool, to keep them close and we will fiercely fight off anything that threatens to stand in their way.
But when we overprotect our children, we do them a disservice. I’m not saying we throw caution to the wind, but we do need to allow our children to face some obstacles. Some pressure, some disappointment, some failure is exactly what our children need to build resilience. The bumps in the road help them to learn to problem-solve, to cope with big emotions and to bounce back well. Our job is not always to fix the problem. Sometimes it is to hold their hand through it, other times it is to take a back seat and let them find their own way through.
Practical Steps to Help Build Your Child’s Resilience:
Set goals and make a plan to help achieve them. Having something to aim for gives children a purpose, keeps them motivated and makes them more likely to persevere when it gets tough.
Expose them to positive stress. As adults, we know that life is not always rosy. We will all encounter challenges. Positive stress is what promotes growth, builds determination and gives children the fundamental skills to cope when the bigger stresses come their way. When something breaks, give them the opportunity to work out how to fix it. When they have a fallout with friends or siblings, take a back seat (when appropriate) and let them navigate repairing the relationship. When homework is tricky, encourage them to ‘have a go’ before swooping in to explain it. Encourage them to take healthy risks, which will push them beyond their comfort zone, but won’t do them a lot of harm if they fail.
See the value in failure. So many children are afraid to fail. Help them see that failure is not something we ‘get in trouble’ for, but something we can learn from. Talk about what they can do better next time and how they can improve as a result of their failure. Ask questions to encourage them to problem-solve eg. instead of saying, “Put that Lego brick there,” say, “What shape/ size of brick do you think goes there?” Praise their effort rather than the outcome eg. instead of saying, “Your painting is very beautiful,” say, “I really love how you persevered with this, even when you found it really tricky.”
Develop positive self-esteem. When children have good self-esteem, they think positively and they are more likely to take risks and try new things. Look for opportunities to praise their character eg. “I loved seeing your kindness when you shared with your brother.”
Teach your child how to rest well. Our culture nurtures busyness and burnout can easily set in. Children and adults alike, need to learn to take time to rest and recharge. When we are tired and overworked, we don’t have clarity in our thinking, we can start acting based on our emotions and don’t perform at our full potential.
Develop trusting caring relationships. Strong relationships with caregivers give children the security to make mistakes in a safe environment. Children can trip up, knowing that they won’t be judged and someone will come alongside to help them get back up and cheer them on to try again.
Model your coping skills. Practically show your children how you cope with adversity, talk to them about times when you have failed and how you have overcome them.
If your child is struggling with developing their resilience, there is hope. Resilience is learned. Even the most fragile children can develop it. It is never too late. It’s always a work in progress. As a parent, your job is to be there for them, cheering them along, assuring them of your unconditional love.